It’s been a while. I neglected you for quite a while, but I was enjoying the world. Well, until now. I finally thought I was going to be ok with things, you know, be legitimately happy. Except not. I repeatedly lose people that mean something to me. I always thought the notion of “friends breakin g up” was weird, until now. When I was with her, I forgot about the hells of my room and friends I was trying to escape. And now it’s over. I’m beginning to think I’m not be emotionally attached to anyone. I think it’s time to keep people at an emotional arm’s length away, because I don’t think I can keep this up for much longer.
Who knew that all it took was one person to save you from getting on that elevator and pushing down? Thanks to her, I’m on a roller coaster only going up.
That beautiful moment when you realize that you play Bit.Trip.Runner a whole better when there’s alcohol in your system :D
Lately, my posts haven’t been my normal reblogging of things I like or think are funny, etc. Lately, my posts have been about..well, me. A friend told me that I needed to get things out instead of keeping them bottled up. Unfortunately, there’s was only one person that I actually felt comfortable enough around to tell these things to without hesitation and without holding back or being vague. But, I’m not allowed to talk to her anymore. So Tumblr, you’re the lucky listener. Of course, I won’t be going into full detail. It’s more for me than it is for you, anyway. I just need to get these out, whether anyone actually reads it or not. But, thanks for your time.
Lately, it’s been getting worse. I fear that my antidepressants aren’t strong enough anymore. If I had to guess why, I would have to say that it’s because I’m actually back in Santa Cruz, the place I’ve been wanting to be all summer. When I was at home, the pills were enough to keep me even. But, being back, it’s too much for me. The pills aren’t enough, and things are going back to they were. The bad thoughts are coming back, and I don’t know how much energy I have left. I don’t know how many more days I can get up, put on my “everything is fantastic” face, and go about, pretending nothing’s wrong. True, there are days when real me slips out and people can tell there’s something wrong. But, as soon as I realize that it happens, I bottle that back up and say, “everything’s fine. I’m just tired.” It’s not that I want to lie to them, for they’re concerned about my well-being. It’s just, I can’t bring myself to open myself up to anyone more. I just can’t. There’s too much to open up about. People can’t handle and still be around me. I’m far too broken for that. Honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore. With numbered days, I’m just trying to survive each day as it comes along.
Ok, now it’s just getting ridiculous. I saw you and just turned around so fast. I’m pretty sure you didn’t notice me, not that you ever cared. I saw you in the dining hall, and I just couldn’t do it. But, apparently, going back to my room wasn’t far enough. Not even going to my friends apartment was far enough. I only feel ok being on the opposite side of campus. Somewhere where I know I can’t be seen. That’s just ridiculous. It’s got to stop. It’s funny because I say that now, and yet, I’ll still keep running. It’s all I ever do. Running away from everything that scares me.
Good Morning Tumblr
Today, I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about a word that really bothers me. I only bring it up because the book I’m currently reading (Fault in our Stars, which I’ve been told is going to blow up my feels) mentions something about this word I’ve really started to dislike. Here’s the part that bothers me:
"I kept saying ‘always’ to her today, ‘always, always always,’ and she just kept talking over me and not saying it back. It was like I was already gone, you know? ‘Always’ was a promise! How can you just break the promise?"
"Sometimes people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them," I said.
Isaac shot me a look. “Right, of course. But you keep the promises anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway. Don’t you believe in true love?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t have an answer. But I thought that if true love did exist, that was a pretty good definition of it.
"Well, I believe in true love," Isaac said. "And I love her. And she promised. She promised me always.”
Now, Monica had to leave Isaac for her own personal reasons. Fine, I get it. But, Isaac has a really good point. A promise is a promise. If she can go about, acting like that promise never meant a single damn thing to her, then screw her. Fuck Monica. Issac is obviously going through is own personal things and, out of everything, he expected Monica to be there for him. Always. And she was just able to drop him (during the worst moment of his life) and not look back even once, like the entire time they had been together had meant absolutely nothing. Issac, if I could tell you one thing, it would be this, “I know it hurts. A lot. But, if she can’t handle you at your worse, she doesn’t deserve you at your best.”
So, earlier today, I finished reading Silver Linings Playbook. (First one in the book club to finish, aww yes. Goes to show you how much free time I’ve had in the last 36 hours, haha). I did enjoy it. A bit depressing at times, but nothing I couldn’t handle. The ending hit a bit close to home, somewhat. It’s not like it was exactly the same, but it definitely brought up some uncomfortable feelings. But, overall, I did enjoy the book. Now, just a bit over a month until the movie comes out. Then I can compare those. Can I just say that I’m glad the reading spark, that I lost oh so long ago, is back? Books are the best distraction
Have you ever woken up, thought about everything that happened shortly before you went to sleep, and just thought, ” What the actual fuck was I thinking?” That’s why I’m just sitting in bed right now, sick to my stomach. It isn’t a virus or anything like making me feel like this. It’s me. I feel like absolute crap. For the last 10 months or so, I’ve been my own worst enemy
Well, that went nowhere fast. I couldn’t remember how to get to where I wanted. So, it ended up being walking through the middle of the forest aimlessly. I could have lived with that. But, when my flashlight started flickering and dimming, I just noped right out of there. But, I learned two things out of that little adventure tonight.
1) Right now, I think I could live being either a Dalek or a Cyberman. At least they don’t have to deal with emotions. Actually, I’d prefer Dalek because they still have some sass to them.
2) Nothing good ever happens after 2AM
From a valuable source, I learned that nothing good happens after 2AM. So, making the executive decision to hike to the Garden of Eden (a place in the middle of the forest, for those unfamiliar with Santa Cruz locations) probably isn’t the best idea. But, I haven’t had many of those lately, have I? Here’s to not getting lost! (Or, getting lost. I haven’t decided which I would prefer right now)